PSO Fanfic : Butoden's Saga

[Butoden]

Episode 1: Battle Training<p>She sticks close to the walls... She can hear footsteps...<p>("It must be him. But would he not expect something like this?") she thinks.<br>("Was this not what he wanted? Battle-Training? You are suppose to fight him... but...") she doesn't quite know what to think next.<br>("Would it be enough to show him that you're able to fight? How can I win...") Suddenly the footsteps stopped.<p>"...So there you are!" she hears. She quickly looks on her left, it's him!<br>"You know this situation is deadly don't you!?" he says.<br>"Of course I know! Damnit! I was lost in thoughts!" Zone says, holding her Daggers in front of her.<br>"Now let's do this!"<br>"As you wish Zone!" the HUcast grabbed a red-colored saber.<br>"That's..not a Pallasch!" Zone says, circling around the HUcast.<br>"No this isn't. This is a Kaladbolg!" the male HUcast says.<br>"It doesn't matter what weapon you hold, I'll show you!" Zone shouts, stepping forward and slashing her daggers at the HUcast. He easily blocks the attack with his saber and tries to stab Zone. Zone manages to dodge the attack and steps back quickly. The male HUcast smiles and takes a step back too.<br>"Well done!" he says.<br>"It's not over yet!" Zone says, putting her daggers away and equiping a Partisan.<br>"A Partisan?" the HUcast is not impressed, "That thing is too slow. That's not suited for a duel."<br>("Grr... you think you know everything, I'll show you!!") Zone thinks as she bites her lip. She steps forward and sticks her Partisan out as far as she can!<br>"Aarg!!" the HUcast is hit. He takes a few steps back.<br>"What's wrong?" Zone asks, confident. The HUcast, however, begins to laugh and puts his Kaladbolg away.<br>"Is it done?" Zone asks, "Did I pass?"<br>"I can't call this a duel..." the HUcast says, taking out a large purple sword.<br>"Dragon Slayer..." Zone says.<br>"So you recognise this sword huh?"<br>"I saw it before..."<br>"Oh really?" the HUcast lowers his Dragon Slayer and tosses it on the floor. "Why don't you show me what you can do with it then?"<br>"I'll be most happy to!" Zone says, picking the Dragon Slayer up and immediatly spins around. The HUcast blocks the attack with his visible black-colored shield. He grabs some kind of glove and slaps Zone on the floor. Zone is unable to get up.<br>"What did you do?" she says. The HUcast throws a telepipe near Zone and drags her trough it. They end up at Pioneer 2.<p>He takes Zone to the hospital where she is healed.<br>"I guess I should thank you now!" Zone says.<br>"...That makes no sense," the HUcast says, "You really need to judge the situation better next time."<br>"I guess so..." Zone says, "Wait, I still got this..." she hands over a red box.<br>"No, keep it. I don't need it right now..." he says.<br>"So did I pass?" Zone asks.<br>"Y-yeah... You passed, for now..." the HUcast says.<br>"Great!" Zone says, jumping for joy. The HUcast calms Zone down and looks around.<br>"Take it easy. We don't want to stand out!" he says.<br>"Oh. Sorry..." Zone says.<br>"It's okay. You just prepare yourselves and meet back at the Bank at 19:00!"<br>"That late?"<br>"That's what I was ordered to do. Now that you're part of my team you could be needed at all times, so you must be ready!"<br>"Ok. I'm sure I can handle that."<br>"Well, when you do get there you'll meet the other member of our team! A RAmar."<br>"A Ranger? I hope he's cute!"<br>"He's very serious about his job. You should be too!"<br>Zone nods silently.<br>"Now. It's time for you to prepare yourselves. Be sure you're fighting fit at 19:00 hours and bring your best equipment!" the HUcast says.<br>"Why?"<br>"Because we're going to the surface!" the HUcast turns and leaves for the Hunter Dormitories.<br>"Wait!" Zone says. The HUcast turns.<br>"I didn't catch your name!" she says as she folds her hands together.<br>"...It's Butoden! Don't forget about tonight!"<br>"I won't! I swear!"<p>Although I've already completed chapter 4, I'm gonna put these up nice and slowly so you don't have to rush trough it or so... Tell me what you think!

[Siren]

Well... <p>You really did a good job with the dialogue, but you rushed parts of the action because you didn't give enough detail and description. <p> <blockquote>("Grr... you think you know everything, I'll show you!!" Zone thinks as she bites her lip. She steps forward and sticks her Partisan out as far as she can! <br></blockquote> <p>Don't get me wrong, you did a good job, but this needs more detail, especially the last sentence. Something better would be... <p>("Grr... you think you know everything, I'll show you!!" Zone thinks as she bites her lip. Firming her grip on the long shaft, Zone swiftly thrusts her partisan at the HUcast.<p>See? That's a bit better. <br>Well, I hope I've helped you, and I hope I wasn't too critical. It was a good first draft.

[Butoden]

I don't get you wrong silly, every comment is good. I know my battles are a bit rushed, but that's because I follow the lines of...<br>-<i>Don't give time to explain everything, this will only hold up the fight, fights aren't slow, they happen in seconds</i> <p>LoL, I already know you're gonna HATE Chapter 4 where all they do is fight ~_~

[Amwhere]

You might want to use italics for thoughts instead of parentheses. <p>Good story so far.

[Butoden]

Episode 2: The Beginning Delayed<p>Butoden is inpatiently waiting for Zone at the bank. It's not even 19:00 yet...<br>"I expected her to be here early, because she was so eager and all!" Butoden thinks, leaning against the wall with his arms fold. He sees a group of four hunter walking towards the teleporter to Ragol.<br>"What are they thinking. They can't go down now... It's after hours," Butoden thinks, the four men, apperently all male, approach the teleporter. Butoden decides to see if they're being stopped by the two stubborn guards. And indeed they are. Butoden quickly runs closer to hear what they have to say.<br>"Noone is allowed on the surface!" the guard says. Butoden sees the four Hunters discussing.<br>"We will go down. Now!" one of the Hunters says and pushes one of the guards on the floor.<br>"What the hell. What are they thinking!" Butoden thinks as he sees the other Guard being hold off by the other three Hunters. The Hunter with the blonde hair punches him in the stomach. He then grabs the guard's necklace. The guards are being knocked out cold.<br>"What are they up to!"[/u] Butoden thinks. The four Hunters walk over to the control panel, the Leader Hunter uses the key on the necklace to operate the control panel.<br>[i]"I must do something!" Butoden thinks, he runs towards the four Hunters and decides to approach them in a friendly way.<br>"What are the four of you doing if I may ask?" Butoden asks. The Hunters look at Butoden and quickly run in the teleporter's range.<br>"No! Stop! Don't go!" Butoden shouts, but the men are already teleported down to the surface. Butoden quickly checks the control panel.<br>"VR Temple? Maybe they just want to train?"<br>"Hey Butoden!" Butoden turns around. It's Viri.<br>"Did you do this?" she asks, pointing at the Guards on the floor.<br>"No, some group of Hunters did this... Didn't you see them?" Butoden says, he turns around to operate the Control Panel again and tries to see if he can get a lock on the four Hunters in the VR Field with the camera. Viri looks over his shoulder.<br>"There!" she points at a small Thundercloud in the distance, which means someone just used a Zonde-Technique.<br>"Okay, let's see..." Butoden says, tapping some buttons. They finally has view over the correct room.<br>"Who are those guys? I never seen them before!" Viri says.<br>"Me neither. But they knocked these guards out and decided to go to the VR Temple.." Butoden looks back at the bank to see if Zone is already there. He does see a HUnewearl who looks like Zone but isn't Zone.<br>"Should we follow them?" Viri asks.<br>"You may if you want. I got business to take care off. I would report it to the Lab first!" Butoden says, returning to the bank.<br>"I'll just do that then!!" Viri says, "Nice to see you again Butoden!!"<br>Butoden doesn't look bad, he just makes some kind of gesture.<br>"HUcasts..." Viri says, helping the Guards to the Hospital which happens to be around the corner.<p>Butoden looks at his watch. 19:20 hours now... No sign of Zone, or B@L, the RAmar.<br>"What are they thinking!" Butoden thinks, looking at the Dormitories.<br>"I might as well see if she's still in her room..." Butoden thinks. He runs up to the Dormitories and checks which floor the Skyly Section ID is, which is the second biggest dormitory floor after Bluefull.<br>"Floor 2... of course..." Butoden says inaudible. He walks over to the elevator and pushes the button to call it.<p>After about 1 beat it finally arrives and opens up. B@L exits the elevator and bumps into Butoden.<br>"Hey! Butoden! I was just going to meet you!" B@L says. Butoden pushes him back into the elevator and presses the Cyan-colored Floor 2 Button. The doors close again.<br>"Why are you so $%#& late!" Butoden says angry, still holding B@L by his clothes.<br>"Hey, take it easy! I know you're angry, but I was only taking a shower!" B@L says.<br>"You should've done that before the mission!" Butoden says, releasing B@L. B@L looks at his suit to see if it's still okay.<br>"I know. I know. But I met this RAmarl! You have no idea!" B@L says. The elevator slows down and stops at the Skyly Floor.<br>"No, I don't know! Humans and their love... It only gets you distracted from duties!" Butoden says, walking towards the window which has view over the entire main street.<br>"Easy for you to say! Anyways, can you tell us why are we here?" B@L asks, Butoden looks down at the Bank, no sign of Zone.<br>"Great, just great!" Butoden says, walking over to the elevator which just closes it's doors and goes up to the Purplenum Floor.<br>"Even better!" B@L says.<br>"Where the heck is the Directory Computer on this floor? I need to see where a certain HUcaseal lives..." Butoden says annoyed. All he sees is a maze of countless hallways with countless of doors leading to countless rooms.<br>"This is the Skyly Floor. Most of the Hunters live here. You know? The rookies... hehe..." B@L says.<br>"We're not rookies..."<br>"I didn't say that!"<br>"Yes you did..." Butoden walks into one of the many hallways and looks on every sign which indicates who lives in the rooms.<br>"Well I didn't mean it! What I meant to say is that most of the Hunters test their new found weapons on something breakable!"<br>"Like the Directory Computer?"<br>"Yeah!" B@L says, looking back at the elevator, "I think it used to stand somewhere over there.."<br>"I guess I'm fortunate to be on the Greennill Floor then!" Butoden says.<br>"Well actually the Redria Directory Computer got painted red to fit the color of our ID!" B@L says.<br>"Well, ours is green. And I heard the Bluefull one is blue and the Yellowbooze one is yellow!" Butoden says.<br>"Oh... Well... Red is better looking. I'm glad I'm a Redria..." B@L says. Butoden suddenly stops and B@L bumps into him.<br>"What are you doing?" B@L asks.<br>"This is where that HUcaseal lives. The one I trained today."<br>"Oh really? Zone is it? And how did she do?"<br>&qu...

[Butoden]

"Just a minute!" Zone says with a rather low toned voice.<br>"So you are there! Open up now!!" Butoden shouts. B@L hits him.<br>"Take it easy, it was a girl right?"<br>"Both a girl and an Android. They should not forget anything. Especially not when they want to be in my team!" Butoden says.<br>"Your team? I thought this was OUR team!" B@L says. Finally the door opens. A green-colored RAcast opens.<br>"...Where is Zone?" Butoden asks confused.<p>-END CHAPTER 2-<p>(had to post in 2 messages because the first one was 90 characters too long

[Siren]

Thanks, I enjoyed that.<p>But...<p>There was something wrong... I think it was the narritive. No, the narritive was good for the most part, it's just the perspective. It seems that you are always starting the sentence for the actions of a character with their name. You don't have to. Usually, if the character was refered to in the sentence before, readers will know that the next sentence is still refering to that same character. It's okay to have the name mentioned often throughout the story, but it's not good to start every sentence with his name.<p>For example, here is where you could have improved: <blockquote>Butoden thinks, the four men, apperently all male, approach the teleporter. Butoden decides to see if they're being stopped by the two stubborn guards. And indeed they are. Butoden quickly runs closer to hear what they have to say. </blockquote><p>See how much you use the name Butoden? An improvement would be:<p>Butoden thinks, the four men, apperently all male, approach the teleporter. Waiting patiently, he decides to see if they'll be stopped by the two stubborn guards. And indeed they are. Carefull not to be seen, Butoden quietly sneeks closer to hear what they have to say.<p>I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds by giving you constructive criticism, and I realise that you wouldn't have a whole lot of time to go over editing your story, this also being wrote off the top of your head (I think). Good story. Keep writing.<br>

[Butoden]

I always have it that way because I have trouble 'reading non-native dialogs and conversations!'<br>Especially when three people talk and there's no "Blablabla" [b]SAYS BUTODEN</b>, it's very annoying to figure out who says what and stuff...

[LaconianShot]

I think that I'll agree with Siren. In writing, that's one of the main rules. It's all right to have one or two references to which character it is, but constantly declaring it make the story plod...which doesn't serve you well. You needn't mention the character's name if the sentence before is from his/her prespective and the next sentence clearly identifies (though nameless) that they are talking about the same character. Usually wrtiters put enough context to let the reader know who it is.<br>Other then that, I really like your story. Good character development, and so far, the story has piqued my interest. I hope you don't get discouraged with me and Siren criticizing your work...but you did tell us to let you know what you thought.

[Butoden]

<blockquote><i>Originally posted by LaconianShot</i><p>I think that I'll agree with Siren. In writing, that's one of the main rules. It's all right to have one or two references to which character it is, but constantly declaring it make the story plod...which doesn't serve you well. You needn't mention the character's name if the sentence before is from his/her prespective and the next sentence clearly identifies (though nameless) that they are talking about the same character. Usually wrtiters put enough context to let the reader know who it is.<br>Other then that, I really like your story. Good character development, and so far, the story has piqued my interest. I hope you don't get discouraged with me and Siren criticizing your work...but you did tell us to let you know what you thought. <br></blockquote><p>I'm glad you are letting out your thoughts on this, all the people on PSOW say is: "good story keep writing" , as if they didn't read it at all... ~_~<p>I guess I'll edit out chapter 3 a little then, and give you the results tomorrow or something...

[Amwhere]

Thats because they probably didn't. <p>Now, since I've never played PSO before, I don't know what a HUmar is, for example. However, thats OK, as you are writing for an audience that knows and loves PSO. <br>

[Butoden]

Chapter 3 : He's not always right...<p>"I am Zone. Who are you!?" the RAcast wants to know. Butoden is stunned.<br>"Uhh... Where is the HUcaseal Zone?" B@L asks.<br>"Right there!" the RAcast points at the door next to him, "Now leave me alone!" He shuts the door.<br>"SORRY!" B@L says.<br>"Heh, there are two people named Zone? Both Skyly!? That's odd..." Butoden says.<br>"That's usually the case with same IDs..." B@L says, knocking on Zone's door. She opens up.<br>"Oh hey Butoden!" she says. Butoden skips the hello part.<br>"What are you doing? You were suppose to meet us at the Bank!" Zone holds her hand in front of her mouth.<br>"OH NO! I completly forgot!"<br>"Well are you ready NOW?"<br>"Yes! Yes sure. Let's go! Let's go!" she says, running all the way to the elevators. Butoden and B@L follow her. Zone calls the elevator and waits...<p>They all enter the elevator. <br>"You swore it to me..." Butoden says. Zone looks at Butoden.<br>"I know... I'm sorry..." Zone looks at her feet.<br>"Swore? Swore what?" B@L asks. Zone is ashamed and doesn't reply.<br>"Nothing. Forget it. We need to go to the Principal, we're already late," Butoden says. They exit the elevator again and run towards the teleporter to Principal Tyrell's office. They enter the teleporter range.<br>"Look, don't be nervous. Just be quiet and look serious. I'll do the talking..." Butoden says.<br>"Gotcha!" Zone says. B@L nods.<br>"He might be angry at us now you know..." B@L says. Butoden sighs and activates the teleporter.<p>"Butoden! Get over here!" Tyrell says angry, slamming his fist on his desk. Butoden looks at Zone and B@L and nods.<br>"You just be quiet Zone."<br>"Yeah yeah!"<br>They approach the desk and sit down.<br>"Only three? Where is your fourth partymember Butoden?" Irene asks.<br>"I.. couldn't find a suitable fourth partymember. But us three will get the job done!" Butoden says.<br>"Okay. This is your mission," Irene hands over the Quest Data.<br>"Find the Missing Heat Sword!?" Butoden says.<br>"Uhh.. oh, give me that. That's the wrong data!" Irene nervously looks around her desks and searches for the REAL mission. Tyrell slams his fist on the desk.<br>"Enough! I'll explain it to you!"<br>"Great..." B@L says inaudible. Zone giggles.<br>"We need you to get some monster data," Tyrell says, "Monsters unlike anything you ever saw before!"<br>"Where?" Butoden asks.<br>"You and your team need to go to the new island we have discovered."<br>"New island?" Butoden says. Tyrell leans back on his chair.<br>"I'm afraid that's where the monsters will be," he says, folding his arms, "Nothing you and your team can't handle though. I'm sure of it."<br>"The monsters you will face there, well..." Irene says. Tyrell silences her.<br>"Give Butoden the PJ-3." Irene grabs a small device and hands it to Butoden.<br>"What's this?" Butoden asks.<br>"The PJ-3, it will save data you take from the island while fighting the monsters," Irene says, "The lab insists that you bring this back in one piece, it's a very expensive piece of equipment!" Butoden nods.<br>"Good luck Hunters. You'll need it..." Tyrell says. Butoden nods again and walks back to the teleporter. Zone and B@L quickly follow him. Zone almost trips while she's looking outside. B@L catches her.<br>"Heh, thanks..."<p>They head over to the teleporter. Butoden walks over to the control panel.<br>"...Now let's see... new island..." Butoden says, he tries to input it but fails. "Damn. How do you input new locations on this thing!?"<br>"Let me handle it..." Zone says, pushing Butoden aside.<br>"Be my guess..." Butoden says. B@L lifts his shoulders. Zone is using the control stick and taps the same button over and over again.<br>"No good huh?" B@L says. Butoden smiles.<br>"There. All set!" Zone says.<br>"HUH! How did you do that?" Butoden says, Zone shows him.<br>"You forgot to tap this button, see?" Zone says.<br>"Right... Right. Okay... well let's go then!" Butoden says, entering the teleporter range. B@L follows.<br>"What's wrong Zone?" B@L asks. Zone waits with her hands behind her back.<br>"I'm waiting!" she says.<br>"No we're waiting, get in here now or we'll go without you!" Butoden says.<br>"Uhh.. I think she means you need to say the magic word first..." B@L says. Zone nods.<br>"Okay... B@L, say it..." Butoden says.<br>"What?" B@L says, he whispers something in Butoden's ear. "I think she would appreciate it if she heard it from you."<br>"...Thank you Zone," Butoden rapidly says and then drags her within range of the teleporter.

[LaconianShot]

Heh heh...I was looking forward to the new chapter, and you didn't disappoint. An improvement over the last two chapters (not meaning disrespect) and I have to say that it made me laugh...I always enjoy a good piece of fanfic.

[Amwhere]

I'm enjoying it although I don't get a quarter of it. Keep up the good work.

[Siren]

Principal Tyrell? <p>That was easily my favorite part of the chapter. You capture his personality (alsmost, there's still him as a father)completely.<p>Write on!