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Pain.
I feel pain. Can you feel pain? I hope so. Pain pain pain.. I feel pain,
pain, and nothing but pain, pain in my head, pain in my limbs, pain in my
chest, pain pain pain.
Pa-a-i-n. Such a lovely word. But I don't like pain. Ohhh no. Pain is
baad. Someone told me once that pain is how you know you're alive, but
he's dead. No more pain for him. But I'm alive, ohh yes, I'm alive.
Or at least I used not to like pain. But everyone's wrong,
really. Pain can be nice if you get to know it. But people don't know
that. Only I do. And now you do, too.
Dark here. No light, no air, only pain. I don't need air. I don't need
light, either. Wish there was some, though.
Dungeon? Dungeon. Same place. Always, before, after, always the same
place. New pain, though. Everyday, new pain. But always pain.
Not really a real dungeon, though. Door's always open. But I can't get
to it. So it is a dungeon. Got the damp, got the dark, got the musty
smell. Clean, though. 'Cept for where I am, but that's my fault. Or maybe
it's the pain's fault. Ah well, it's someone's fault.
Time? Days. Months. Years. One of those. Can't recall. Don't really
care. All there is now is pa-a-i-n.
Where, I don't care, I can't go anywhere. Dull pain everywhere, and my
limbs don't respond. Maybe it's just the pain that makes them numb. Or
maybe it's because they're not my limbs. I can see them, and they don't
look like my limbs. But who cares. Maybe it's just that my eyes aren't my
eyes, and I'm not really seeing.
I don't remember what eating was. Haven't eaten since I can remember.
Don't feel hungry, though. Wonder why. Or is it just more pain, because
then of course I can't feel it. It probably got lost in the crowd. Heh heh
heh. But then it means I haven't met it yet. Wonder why.
Am I a prisoner? I don't remember. I don't think so. But I'm in a
dungeon anyway. Wonder why?
The jailor looks like the same as the guard, and the next guard, and the
next guard, in this place. Only the robed guy looks different. Always
looks the same, though. Don't think he ever changes his clothes. But I
never get to really look because then there's pain, pain, and nothing but
pain.
Shall I describe pain? It's not dark at all, pain. Pain is like warmth
from fire, only ten times hotter, ten times fiercer, travelling in waves
up all parts of your body until the waves all coalesce and crescendo and
whatever in your brain, then it's like water and it spreads out again and
flows into every tiny crevice of your body, and then it's like air 'cause
it starts sweeping through you again and again and again and you can never
get a hold of it and it's like fire and ice and you in between being
seared and frozen all at once, and after a while it actually feels kind of
good and then it changes again and it starts feeling bad all over again.
That's pain.
Is life pain? Think I remember someone saying that, too... maybe that's
why I always feel pain. Because I'm in the middle of life.
I wonder, sometimes, why there are so many kinds of pain. There's the
pain that spits you and throws you over an open fire, there's the pain
that locks you in ice and lets itself permeate through you slowly, there's
the pain that stabs in, then goes out, then stabs in again, over and over,
there's the pain that comes in without being invited and makes itself at
home in you, always taking from you and always there. That isn't it,
either. And there's sooooo many kinds of pain that I wonder why no one's
discovered them all yet. Wouldn't that be a worthwhile study.
Do you feel all the kinds of pain? You should. You're missing out.
You know, you're the first thing I've talked to other than my pain. My
pain isn't much of a conversationalist, you know. It's just there, it
listens, but it really isn't interested. Can't blame it, it's probably
busy enough as it is. Pain always has stuff to do, you know. Has to be on
it's toes.
Am I raving? It seems like I am. If I am, then it really is good of you
to be listening to me like this. I'm grateful. Only my pain's been willing
to listen to me before this. The jailors just keep away now. That's sad.
But at least I could talk to my pain. And now to you.
Do you understand me? I think you do. I'm grateful for that, too.
I hope you understand why I do what I do, then. It's just that I have so
much pain and I have to give some to you, or else I won't be able to take
it. Don't worry. Pain's actually rather friendly, once you get used to
it.
Oh.. please don't mewl like that. It might wake one of the jailors, and
I don't think I could stand having to lose one of my confidants. Would you
like me to give you some pain to talk to instead? I've heard cats like
being given things.
Ah. Thank you. * * * * *
I think another day's passed.
I can't be sure, seeing as how my perception of time is
incredibly skewed.. but every time I go to sleep and wake up it seems to
be another day, so it should be another day.
I'm glad that you're still with me. That's really nice of you, staying
with me. It makes me feel warm in a place where I haven't felt warmth in a
very long time.
Have you been making friends with your pain yet? Don't worry, pain tends
to be very shy at first. It doesn't know it's own strength when it lashes
back. Pain's like us in that way, eh?
The guards came by earlier, to inject something in my arm. I tried to
give them some pain, too, but they ran off before I could do anything...
pity. They looked so scared, I thought they might like some pain to take
their minds off it. Ah well.
Hm? What they injected? I'm not sure, but I think that's nutrient
solution, or something like that... I overheard that once. Not really sure
what that's supposed to do, though. I'm not really sure what most of what
they do to me is supposed to do.
Nothing much has happened today.. but I found another type of pain. This
pain, you see, is the type that starts inside your body, as if it's been
there all along, and then diffuses outwards from your centre to envelop
your torso and your limbs and then your head, and it's this terrible
numbness that builds up and builds up until it becomes unbearable, and
then it subsides before it begins all over again. What an interesting kind
of pain, don't you think?
But I think it's time to sleep again. Go to sleep, kitty. * * * * *
...the robed guy came today. But he didn't take me and do things again,
he only talked to the jailors. I was kind of disappointed, really.
Whenever he does something I usually discover another kind of pain. But he
didn't.
I overheard the jailors talking, later. Unfortunately, my mind's so
fuzzy nowadays that I couldn't really understand what they were saying.. I
wish I did.
Do you know, perhaps? What does "terminate" mean again? I can't
remember, my head seems so heavy all of a sudden...
Ah well. Shall I tell you about the new prisoner? They put him in
another cell, but I caught a glimpse of him. Blue hair with just a faint
purplish hint to it, and he was certainly fighting the guards tooth and
nail. He looked liked he would have discovered a lot about pain as well. I
wish I could talk to him and try out his pain.
He yelled at the robed guy, too. Kept screaming about, "corrupted" and
"can't be the real Lassic" for ages, and the robed guy just stood there
and didn't say anything. He finally left when the prisoner collapsed,
coughing up blood. I'd like to talk to him, too. Something I saw in his
eyes made me think that he might have quite a bit of pain himself.
The jailors have been in a bit of a fluster today. They've been running
around the place like chickens with their heads cut off. It's kind of a
comical sight. I can almost hear my pain laughing. The pain in my right
leg can't see, though, so it's moping. The pain in my right arm's trying
to cheer it up.
I just realized that I don't really know who I am. There was something
called a "name" once... everyone apparently has them, but I'm not very
sure what they are. If you were to ask me about who I am, all I could tell
you about would be the pain in my abdomen, and my head, and my left
shoulder, and any number of places, and that would be me. But others seem
to have these "names", and I'm fairly sure I did once. What was it, I
wonder?
I know one "name". The prisoner's name is "Nero". Sounds funny, doesn't
it? And I think the robed guy's "name" is "Lashiec", but they pronounced
it funny, something like "Lassic". These "names" are so confusing, I'm not
really sure what they are.
We don't need names, do we, kitty? And neither does pain. Pain just is.
And so are we.
You know, kitty, your fur's starting to fall out. You're starting to
smell, too. I appreciate you staying with me, but it seems like you've
been giving up baths.. I wish I had some water so I could help you...
....
I think I just remembered what "terminate" meant, kitty.
That would be a bad thing. I hope that isn't what they meant...
But if they did... * * * * *
...I think I'll have to leave, kitty.
Oh, don't worry. I'll take you with me. Here, I'll hold you.
I'll have to give the guards and jailors some pain to get out. But don't
worry, there'll be more than enough for us, and I think they need some
anyway.
I found this nice little thing in my chest. Well, actually it was there
long ago, but I just learned how to use it. I think it's a laser... see
how it cuts through the jailor? Yes, I think it's a laser.
Oh. I didn't mean to give him quite that much pain. But now
another one... oh. Gave him too much pain as well. Ah well, that's too
bad, I guess...
There are more guards than I'd remembered, kitty. They're firing guns at
me.. that's a new kind of pain, one that tears in and stays there and
turns into a dull, throbbing ache. But now they're gone, kitty.
Oh no... there are more guards. It's a good thing they're giving me pain
as well, or else I wouldn't have enough to give them.
A lot of them... I have to hit them as well, now. They all seem
scared... could it be of me? I wonder if fear causes pain.. too bad I
don't feel fear. But they're giving me long lines of pain and deep,
stabbing pain, and that's rather interesting in itself.
....
...that tickles...
...oh, more guards..
....
....
There we go. No more guards, and I've burned through the wall. There
doesn't seem to be ground here, though... how odd. But the sensation of
wind ripping past me is kind of fun as well. New pain, too.
Oh, look, there the ground is...
...my, that was an interesting kind of pain. I think I was "falling"...
I wonder if I could get that pain again if I "fell" again? Do you think
so, kitty?...
Kitty?...
Oh no... I think I've lost you.. that's so bad of me. My pain's
reproaching me, too. I'm really sorry, kitty.
Just wait. I'll look for you. * * * * *
...I'm sorry, kitty. I still can't find you.
It suddenly occurs to me that you might not be here. You might be lost
somewhere, out there. So I think I'll go someplace else and look for you.
Don't worry, kitty. You're one of my only friends. I'll find you. My
pain'll help, too.
But how will I recognize you? I like that you understand me and you
listen to me, but it's sad that I can't understand you...
...I know.
I'll find you, kitty. I'll keep taking cats and giving them pain and
look into their shining eyes until I find you, because only you could
understand when I gave you pain, kitty. Only you could talk to your pain.
Don't worry about me, kitty. I have more than enough pain to give them.
I'll find you.
I will. Really.
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