I guess I should do my own plug thread....

[carlsojos]

I think I'll make this thread to keep my occasional release announcement, and to keep this feedback separate from my requests for more proofreaders.

The two stories I've released to start off with:

Seed's Project
Rappy

I do ask for feedback, since I'm trying to sharpen my pen beyond what I previously considered impossible for my mind.

[augmentedfourth]

Nice ideas for stories! I liked how you shed some light on Rika's "childhood" and relationship with Wren. "Rappy" was well done - writing in accents has always been hard for me, and here, I could practically hear the farmer's voice.

Writing in the present tense is always difficult (for most people, I would think), and I think it was more effective in "Rappy", as the events of the story are sequential. In "Seed's Project", though, I don't think it worked as well, especially as Seed thinks about things that happened in the past. Overall, both stories were nice, entertaining reads, and I look forward to seeing what else you come up with!

[carlsojos]

I got 3 more stories online now.
Dark Energy
Black Clothes
Test Flight

Dark Energy is the first story I've made, but while I already completed the first half last month, I'm waiting on proofreaders to start giving feedback on the remainder of the manuscript before I release the rest(see my other thread). I literally thought up the title about 3 days ago.

I don't like the title of Black Clothes at all, but the story itself is another attempt at putting 2 threads into 1 story.

Test Flight is a rehash of a writing experiment I made a while ago, but it turned into a different story from the original. I tried to write the reader into the story, just to see what happens.

Do share your compliments/complaints.

[augmentedfourth]

"Test Flight" was very interesting, as there really aren't a lot of stories written in the second-person point of view. I think it worked well here, and I liked the first appearance of a Wren-type.

For "Black Clothes", I hadn't previously considered the idea of Rika (and Seed) witnessing the attack on Professor Holt and his companions. You maybe could have been a little more detailed when describing Rika's emotional response, but then again, at that point, the story was being told more from the view of the artificial Seed, so it works.

I've been working a lot this week, so I haven't gotten to "Dark Energy" yet, but it's on my list, I promise!

[carlsojos]

"Test Flight" was very interesting, as there really aren't a lot of stories written in the second-person point of view. I think it worked well here, and I liked the first appearance of a Wren-type.

Test Flight is my favorite of this set, because it combined PS with my knowledge of spaceflight, and I've pulled most of the stunts in a simulator on my computer. I'm amazed that I only wrecked one ship when I did the "spin out of control" part, which was the opposite of what I was trying for (I wanted to perform a loop, but at Mach 3.5+ to accommodate the SCRAMjets, you exceed 60 kilometers altitude in only a few seconds when you pitch up that hard). I've always been curious of what it'd be like to be my copilot, and I think this kinda answers that. To an extent.

EDIT: I should've said this earlier, but Test Flight is most enjoyable if you understand the operating procedures of the fictional DGIV or DGIV-2 (Deltaglider 4-2) and the XR1, XR2 Ravenstar, or XR5 Vanguard, or if you at least understand general spaceflight technologies and principles. Not required, though, and I noticed Benoit added mouseovers to spell out some of the shortened terms, if you want to look them up on wikipedia.

[BenoitRen]

Test Flight was a bit odd to read at first because of said second-person perspective. I think it was appropriate for this story, and a welcome change from the norm. Finally, you wrote the action well, even if sometimes one could consider it to be quite verbose.

Black Clothes is a nice sequel to your previous Rika story, Seed's Project. Even in a facility, Rika is into fashion. Also, I liked how Seed was written.

[carlsojos]

Try a thing you haven't done three times. Once, to get over the fear of doing it. Twice, to learn how to do it. And a third time, to figure out whether you like it or not

This is the third time I've updated this little thread. I decide that I still don't like writing (I've always been on the verge of failing in every English class I've ever taken), but my love of a good story is stronger still, so I've no choice but to continue if I'm to eventually make a novel that will satisfy my desire.

Now, fresh from the oven:
Hydrofoil I like this one. Period.
Armorer's Son I dislike this one because it's too mushy for my tastes, but the form itself appears solid to me, so I leave you, the reader, as the true judges of quality.

The complaint department is now open for these works.

Also, in a completely impulsive and unreasonable decision, I had decided to release all the remaining chapters of Dark Energy without waiting for useful feedback from the people I had designated as proofreaders. Do tell me of any errors you spot, so I can fix them and stop worrying about the cursed thing.

[Missagh]

just read hydrofoil, awesome carlsojos! Now i shall return work

[carlsojos]

I've another short story to dump upon you.

Neifirst

This one, I nearly threw out since I kept having troubles with it; I can't help but wonder if Nei and Neifirst's memories may be partially intermingled due to their unusual relationship. I don't think I violated the canon this time, but this story made me feel rather sadistic, considering what I threw at Neifirst.

Feedback is requested for this story, and any of my older ones, too, since I notice that 2 older stories I've released don't have comments yet.

[augmentedfourth]

After two busy weeks at work (where I didn't have access to a computer this time *hmph*), I know I am woefully behind on reading fanfics. I just finished "Armorer's Son" - though it was short, I liked it a lot. Hahn's father does mention his disappointment in his son in the game, and you've elaborated on it well (though I still think it could have been just a little bit longer). The description of him making Saya's ring was sweet, especially since it involved the work he didn't want to spend his life doing.

I'll get to "Neifirst" soon, I promise.

[carlsojos]

I just finished "Armorer's Son"...

Yeah, I think the biggest reason why it's so short is because it involved topics that I try to avoid- I'm a teacher's pet, momma's boy, and dedicated bachelor, so I've no idea how best to approach situations like this story. It's another of them stories that's gonna bug the snot outta me until I think I've completed it- I'm up to about 5 such story threads now.

[augmentedfourth]

Okay, I finally finished "Neifirst". Overall, I liked it, there were a lot of good things happening story-wise. The torture scenes were dark, yet believable, as was Neifirst's escape. The descriptions of the research funding and military plans were especially interesting.

I did find one part a little confusing (and I freely admit that it could just be me, as I am on vacation this week and my brain is taking a nap) - "In response, Neifirst had wasted no time in preparing an escape plan, thanks in part to Nei offering another perspective on the information they had accumulated." I even went back to check, and it doesn't seem to me that, in their brief conversation, Nei doesn't offer much other than friendship. While that's nice and everything, I'm not really seeing a clear connection between that, information about what they've observed, and forming an escape plan. That was the only part of the story that seemed a little rushed, as some more Nei/Neifirst interactions before the escape could have been really effective.

[carlsojos]

I think you're picking up a slight time warp that I tried to silently implement. I'm operating under a model that essentially defines Nei as a specific type of mental illness (I expect to be killed for this assumption), and I decided that at that point of the story, the 2 identities were still in sync- anything one can do, the other can do in a slightly different fashion. I didn't explore the specifics that deeply, and I assumed that the two would remain in communication at a sub-verbal level (similar to some permutations of DIS). I guess I have another story on my to-do list. Geez, I hate dark fictions.

Pro tip: DO NOT read professional-level medical texts when researching for a fiction story. I'm still scarred from the two papers I read for Neifirst.

[BenoitRen]

The part I didn't get was that Neifirst killed the woman even though she didn't need to. What's more, it was the woman that was trying to help her.

[carlsojos]

The part I didn't get was that Neifirst killed the woman even though she didn't need to. What's more, it was the woman that was trying to help her.

Yeah, that survived through all 3 versions of this story. I think there's a reason why Neifirst went after her; you'll have to figure that one out on your own. I spent a couple nights running the scenario through my head several times to make sure I got it right, since I refuse to plan these stories out ahead of time, to respect the players involved.