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My turn to plug...

PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 7:50 pm
by augmentedfourth
Okay, I caved in and signed up at I finished my first fanfic in many years and my first PSIV fic EVER and got excited. (As is apparent by the length, I really thought it was only going to be around four chapters and it wound up being seven, plus a short epilogue. Most of them are short, though, I promise.)

Disclaimer: Yes, it's rated M, due to Chapter 2. If two consenting adults doing their thing isn't for you, then you may want to skip over that one (and be a little lost later on). I did try to keep it tasteful and relevant and have everyone stay in character.

The Awkward Dance

PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2010 10:34 pm
by Semix
Read the first two chapters, very well written- love it <3. And you did a good job keeping chapter 2 tasteful. Pfft, I shouldn't be reading that sort of stuff at my age. Anyhow, I'll get round to reading the rest later, misfits is on :D

PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 4:37 am
by carlsojos
I just finished reading your fic. I'm no good with criticism, but I will concede that your ability to convey the emotions of the characters is quite good, even down to the awkward feeling the two shared in the beginning. I enjoyed reading the story.

It get's my vote as a good work.

PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:00 am
by Black Sword
Do you have any idea how many times I've tried to read this fanfic, only to be interrupted by work, internet outages, and other strangely timed attacks? I swear, even now I'm wary that the Cave will consume my post or something.

Anyway, to review: I've a number of nitpicks with the prose and grammar, but I've been an editor for too long to avoid that and I won't bore you with that dissertation. The chapter two scene was indeed tastefully done, so my compliments.

Through a fluke of timing, the music I was listening to brought out the depth of despair to Alys' fever dreams, which enhanced the poignancy and tragedy of the end of that chapter. The epilogue was perfect.

I've also discovered your identity.... Jennifer Micelli! I realized your style was familiar, and a bit of snooping on the PS Pages led me to Alone, which was where I put two and two together.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 3:59 pm
by augmentedfourth
Oh noes, I've been found out! :lol: Whatever, it's only my name until July 30th, anyway. I did wind up reposting Alone - it's funny how you mentioned the familiar style, as while I was rereading some of my older stuff, I realized that just about everything I've written is filled with drama and angst. (That's why I like a lot of Tanith's stories, they bring a lighter side to what's kind of a dark series. I haven't managed that yet). It's funny, because I'm actually a pretty happy, bubbly person who tries to avoid drama, but there you go. I do have a few more fanfic ideas bouncing around my head, and I think that the next one I actually get onto the page will be a little lighter (and shorter!), but after that...yeah, more drama and angst. :wink:

Anyway, enough of my personal ramblings. Thanks for the positive feedback (everyone, not just Black Sword)! I'm glad to hear good things about the epilogue, as I was considering leaving it out completely, since I thought it might be a little too heavy-handed in getting my point across. As I was replaying PSIV a couple weeks ago (and actually paying attention to the dialogue this time through), it seemed like there was something more than platonic friendship between Alys and Rune, but at the same time, it wasn't like "omg true love 4ever marriage babies!!!!1!1". (Which is the aforementioned point that I was worried that the epilogue was beating into the minds of the readers.)

PostPosted: Tue Dec 21, 2010 10:46 pm
by augmentedfourth
I'm bumping my plug thread up so I don't have to create a new one. I really thought I'd be finished with this fic a lot sooner, but eight days in the hospital sort of threw a monkey wrench into the gears of that plan. Anyway, it's my attempt at a lighter, shorter fic (as opposed to the emotional slogs I usually write 8) ), and avid fans of the series should see the ending coming from a mile away (though I tried not to foreshadow it too much).

The Race

PostPosted: Wed Dec 22, 2010 4:49 pm
by Black Sword
Nice touch with the surname. :)

PostPosted: Mon Dec 27, 2010 4:40 pm
by augmentedfourth
My goodness, I write quickly when I 1) do not have a fever of 105 degrees, 2) am not in the hospital, 3) am not allowed to drive until Wednesday, and 4) am snowed in, anyway. It's another PSI fic (my last one for a while, PSII is coming up next!), this one's a bit longer and more serious than the last. I used to hate creating original characters, but I guess it's not so bad. People with a good memory for the script should be able to tell what this fic is about by the title alone. :P

Towards the Heavens

PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 6:40 am
by Black Sword
Credit where credit is due: the father-daughter relationship at the start was very cute. You used a sphinx, didn't you? Bloody beasts... but a nice, accurate PS1 touch.

There are a few things that need work. Pacing is kind of... unstable. It was rushed in too many spots, so it was difficult to stay within the flow of the story. Time was too liquid; things you could have spent time on, you did not, and when you did spend time, there was a bit of a sense of rushing. Mila could have been developed more, but was not, so it was difficult to bond with her.

Mila's name does appear a lot (logical, it's her story), but you should also consider alternate ways to refer to her in-story.

I'm glad she accomplished her mission, but...

Finishing what I wrote on, but darn it, I wish you hadn't killed her!

PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 2:34 pm
by carlsojos
I seem to have forgotten to write my thoughts here after I read Towards the Heavens, but from memory, I note that I almost shed a tear reading it, which is quite a bit given that I consider myself to be a heartless person. Definitely an interesting short read, and while you could've pulled out more stops to really scar me, I'll simply call it good. I did notice the time compression, too, but I figured you weren't trying for a full throttle epic novel, so I won't cuss and curse over it.

PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 3:36 pm
by augmentedfourth
Yeah, in my younger writing days, I thought I had to include EVERY SINGLE DETAIL ABOUT EVERY SINGLE EVENT THAT EVER HAPPENED!!! and when I dare to look back now, I think that I could get rid of pages upon pages of unnecessary stuff. So naturally, I guess now I'm going too far in the other direction. :P I guess it'll be my ongoing battle...

I promise no one dies in my next fic. And most of it takes place in one day, so hopefully, I won't have too many pacing issues. 8)

(And yes, Black Sword, it was a sphinx. I pulled up the picture from here as I described it, because sometimes, when I rely on my memory alone...bad things happen...)

PostPosted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 5:02 pm
by BenoitRen
I read Towards the Heavens yesterday before putting it up. I thought it was a nice story that creatively used what was in Phantasy Star to make a backstory.

Too bad she dies. Oh well.

PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:23 pm
by augmentedfourth
What's this, a PSII fic? I don't even like that game that much. :wink:

Just a fun little Shir story (how could you NOT have fun when writing about Shir?), there's a little tongue-in-cheek humor throughout, but I don't know if I'd call it a comedy. To be safe, I rated it M for some implied naughtiness near the end.

Scratching the Itch

PostPosted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 2:56 pm
by carlsojos
Just read Scratching the Itch. To start off, the errors and problems I found: none. Now that the formalities are out of the way, HOLY BEEP! I can see a socialite waking late in the day, and you didn't fuss around with boring stories before Shir found her mark. Interesting exchange over her choice wardrobe, showed that a grab-and-run wasn't in the works. I thought for sure Shir was gonna grab it with Jace intoxicated at the bar, but she clearly wasn't interested in a simple approach. Definitely a good story, worth a read.

PostPosted: Thu Jan 20, 2011 1:00 am
by augmentedfourth
I guess I missed the latest fanfic update, oh no! :lol: I'll catch the next one.

So this is my first PSO story, and I promise it's not about my own character running around, killing things with ease. It's in three parts, but they get progressively shorter (and the first one isn't all that long to begin with). As the author's note says, it's probably helpful to make sure you've played through the "real" ending of the Soul of Steel quest before reading, as I briefly reference some of the things that only happen in that ending.